Okay. I know things here have been a bit gray for the non-members. Or maybe just in general. Who checks on a blog these days without a story on a celeb nowadays anyway?

Regardless. It’s gone internet public now. We can chat about it, apparently. (also will put it in ‘extended’, in case it goes away in the night…)

Today, as any longtime reader would know, marks my 14th anniversary. In gay years that’s like 1,299,889 years. Only sadly Richard and I split officially in March. Two days after I was laid off from my job of 9 years… This has been the year that *super sucked* for me. I have been single and unemployed to DWELL ON IT. Thank gawd for iPhone dating apps! Otherwise IDK what I’d have done. Such a great distraction from reality: like losing my potential dream home, losing the love of my life (I thought), losing friends (you’d be surprised), and just a general mourning of my future in general. And we haven’t even thought of splitting households yet. THAT will suck greatly. 13 years of mutual decisions and purchases is a LOT…

Anyhoo, the point is, that tho he has a new life (Happy One Year….  kids) and I have met a steady-type boyfriend… Today is just not a good day. It’ll take years for the meaning we have given July 4th to leave my life and become a harmless national holiday once again. Life moves faster than the heart.

I am sorry that I hurt you. I am sorry that I lied. I am sorry that I brook your heart. I am sorry that I made you cry. I am sorry for the pain that I caused. I am sorry for the dark and gray days. I am sorry that you are sad. I am sorry that your are mad and even angry. I am sorry that l have changed your life forever. I am sorry that things will never be the same again. I am sorry that I have made the mistakes that I have made. I to have pain and sadness,anger,and dark days where I cry. Life is not fair and is full of surprises, mistakes and and thing that change us forever. In many ways we are all victims because there are too sides to everything and always will be . A year ago I made a decision that would change my life forever. It would go on to change many lives and for that I am deeply sorry. There are days where I am so upset and confused as to what move or decision to make next that I cry till it hurts so bad that the pain from the crying gives me something else to think about. There are many days that I say to my self ” I just want my life back” and I know that that is not the answer. Or is it? Where do I go from here? How am i to feel? Did Stella really get her groove back and what does that mean? On the days that I feel so alone, I think at least we are still friends. Tho there are days were even that feels on the edge. I know you will always be there for me and for that I am grateful. You have at least seemed to have found a glimmer of happiness and I hope you have. I never meant to have an affair and break up the happy home but for me, I was not so happy and I am sorry. I am sorry if I did not make that more clear over time. I am sorry that I did not speak up more. . I thought I had. I am sorry that I deceived you for eight months before telling you.

tagged: life anniversary sad new beginnings
  sad

daniel · early evening · say it · ping it

Well, it’s a long story. I’ll try to be brief?

I mean I have to. I have been at this desk all day! Between 3 hours of #funemployment and 3 hours of trying to hack my Instagr.am photos into my sidebar…  Oi. Which by the is not possible for me to do at my current skill-set. I have asked to be a beta tester for the upcoming Expression Engine plugin. Hopefully it’ll be backwards compatible to my antiquated version of the EE.. *sigh* (UPDATE: Ah, no. Oh well…)

Anyhoo…

  george michael - father figure    
  blog-y

daniel · early evening · say it · ping it

1. Denial and Isolation.
At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.

2. Anger. The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she’s dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.

3. Bargaining. Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, “If I do this, will you take away the loss?”

4. Depression. The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.

5. Acceptance. This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

I wonder at where I am at. I wonder how long it will take…


  dread

daniel · mid-morning · say it ·

So I don’t know if I mentioned this. I must have, but yanno. Brain fart as usual. LOL! So my Richard volunteers for Big Brothers Big Sisters and is upon his one year anniversary with his Little Brother. It is the most awesome thing he has ever done. They hang out once or twice a week and every time Richard gets home he has an energy about him. I can tell he spent the last few hours being twelve. Haha.

Anyway, his Little wanted to go for a swim today (it’s been hotter than a huckabuck here the past few days) so they are actually here at our community pool. We’ll all be grilling hotdogs for dinner on the back patio. I am actually excited to be included. Mostly they do things out about town. Not that there’s anything weird about his hanging out here, I have met his mom and went along on the Twilight movie night (which was a big time!). In fact his mother is well aware of who I am in Richard’s life and is cool with it. In fact she let Richard come out to her son, which I think is amazing! Where was I? Oh, so I was in charge of stopping at the store and getting hotdogs. I was sooo concerned. Like what to get, will he eat it, and all that. So I got traditional Ballpark Franks (ew) and a gourmet type jalapeno sausage for Richard and I. When they arrived here I was showing Richard what I got and his little, spying the jalapeno sausages, was all “I’ve had those before, they are really good!” I literally was like O.O. He’s twelve. I never imagined he’d have eaten, let alone liked such a thing. Lesson learned. In fact, he’s like a little adult in a lot of ways. The boy is an excellent conversationalist! He can keep you talking and actually STEER a conversation if it gets quiet or awkward, which I have witnessed on more than one occasion. It’s freaky at first cause he’s so young but you get used to it. He’s an amazing kid. It’s funny cause Richard was expecting a troubled youth when he signed up. A kid that might be emotionally damaged or worse. Instead he got an intelligent, well brought up, social yet lonely boy that in my opinion is a perfect match.

OMG. I should make sure that the patio furniture has no bird poop. Later.

tagged: richard anniversary swim twilight big brothers big sisters

daniel · early evening · say it · ping it

He was fine. We had a blast on Saturday. (Maybe a bit too much fun for someone.) We woke up fine on Sunday. He did his walk and then made me breakfast before going off to his BBQ with work friends. It was around 7 or 8 that he sent me a text that he was on his way home and had “flu like symptoms”. Now honestly I figured he had some heat-stroke type thing going on. He’s a sun worshipper and loves his adult beverages after all…

So I went on about making plans for Monday (today) while he arrived home and was directly off to bed. After an hour he texted me (yes, from upstairs. We do that). He wanted his temperature taken. So I headed up. 103.2 degrees. He was radiating heat. I was worried, but he thought it was a 24 hour thing. I was still thinking too much sun and booze. Today he still felt bad but went to work. He ended up not going out with us tonight. When I got home he was much worse. He had tweeted about “a hole in his tonsil” so I looked in his mouth with a flashlight. Sure enough there is a sore there. Now I don’t have tonsils so looking in someone’s mouth that has them kinda is gross. It was a labor of love. After much google-ing and photo viewing we are 97% sure it’s tonsillitis. Way more symptoms than strep and he has like ALL of them. It’s almost a perfect match, but he IS going to the doctor tomorrow.

Anyhoo, since I stopped my antibiotics due to a crazy rash situation, (which is much better now, thank you) I got him taking the rest so he will be un-contagious faster. (Google said what I was taking is will work on tonsillitis.) Since I don’t have tonsils I am pretty sure I won’t get it, plus I still have the antibiotics in my system for another day, but still… Ew. I may be camping on the couch tonight yo. I just got over some long sickness. I am not signing up for another!

Keep my boy in your thoughts though. He is feverish and in a bit of pain. Thanks.

daniel · late at night · say it · ping it

I love Tuesdays… Have I mentioned that? LOL. Of course I have. Today was a day of errands, lunch (mmm!), and chores. I had a fabulous time. Isn’t that funny?

Anyhoo. Richard is starting dinner and I am relaxing with an adult beverage and some internet time. So I thought I might blog! *gasp* I know, right? Again so soon? Yes!

I just finished my reference questionnaire for Richard’s application to become a Big Brother. It was interesting for me. One of the questions involved my giving a specific instance when he was interacting with a child and how I felt about it. It was tough because as I thought about it there have been so many! Richard loves kids, and the only feeling I am ever left with is that he is a natural parent. He adores kids! He has this innate “skill” (for lack of a better word) with children that I wish more parents had! I always feel kinda bad when I witness that tho, because I don’t really want children. Sometimes I wish I felt different, for his sake. But I don’t really. I do not see myself as a parent in anyway. Weird. Of course I didn’t write all of that. TMI and all… It just got me thinking is all…

Anyway, wish him luck with the Big Brother thing. It’ll be good for him, as well as the kid.

tagged: richard update day off big brother
  introspective

daniel · mid-afternoon · 1 comment · ping it