07/04/11
July 4th, 2011
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aw, love •
what's up?
Okay. I know things here have been a bit gray for the non-members. Or maybe just in general. Who checks on a blog these days without a story on a celeb nowadays anyway?
Regardless. It’s gone internet public now. We can chat about it, apparently. (also will put it in ‘extended’, in case it goes away in the night…)
Today, as any longtime reader would know, marks my 14th anniversary. In gay years that’s like 1,299,889 years. Only sadly Richard and I split officially in March. Two days after I was laid off from my job of 9 years… This has been the year that *super sucked* for me. I have been single and unemployed to DWELL ON IT. Thank gawd for iPhone dating apps! Otherwise IDK what I’d have done. Such a great distraction from reality: like losing my potential dream home, losing the love of my life (I thought), losing friends (you’d be surprised), and just a general mourning of my future in general. And we haven’t even thought of splitting households yet. THAT will suck greatly. 13 years of mutual decisions and purchases is a LOT…
Anyhoo, the point is, that tho he has a new life (Happy One Year…. 
kids) and I have met a steady-type boyfriend… Today is just not a good day. It’ll take years for the meaning we have given July 4th to leave my life and become a harmless national holiday once again. Life moves faster than the heart.
I am sorry that I hurt you. I am sorry that I lied. I am sorry that I brook your heart. I am sorry that I made you cry. I am sorry for the pain that I caused. I am sorry for the dark and gray days. I am sorry that you are sad. I am sorry that your are mad and even angry. I am sorry that l have changed your life forever. I am sorry that things will never be the same again. I am sorry that I have made the mistakes that I have made. I to have pain and sadness,anger,and dark days where I cry. Life is not fair and is full of surprises, mistakes and and thing that change us forever. In many ways we are all victims because there are too sides to everything and always will be . A year ago I made a decision that would change my life forever. It would go on to change many lives and for that I am deeply sorry. There are days where I am so upset and confused as to what move or decision to make next that I cry till it hurts so bad that the pain from the crying gives me something else to think about. There are many days that I say to my self ” I just want my life back” and I know that that is not the answer. Or is it? Where do I go from here? How am i to feel? Did Stella really get her groove back and what does that mean? On the days that I feel so alone, I think at least we are still friends. Tho there are days were even that feels on the edge. I know you will always be there for me and for that I am grateful. You have at least seemed to have found a glimmer of happiness and I hope you have. I never meant to have an affair and break up the happy home but for me, I was not so happy and I am sorry. I am sorry if I did not make that more clear over time. I am sorry that I did not speak up more. . I thought I had. I am sorry that I deceived you for eight months before telling you.
‹ wish i hadn't asked!
sad
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