July 04, 2011
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aw, love •
what's up?
Okay. I know things here have been a bit gray for the non-members. Or maybe just in general. Who checks on a blog these days without a story on a celeb nowadays anyway?
Regardless. It’s gone internet public now. We can chat about it, apparently. (also will put it in ‘extended’, in case it goes away in the night…)
Today, as any longtime reader would know, marks my 14th anniversary. In gay years that’s like 1,299,889 years. Only sadly Richard and I split officially in March. Two days after I was laid off from my job of 9 years… This has been the year that *super sucked* for me. I have been single and unemployed to DWELL ON IT. Thank gawd for iPhone dating apps! Otherwise IDK what I’d have done. Such a great distraction from reality: like losing my potential dream home, losing the love of my life (I thought), losing friends (you’d be surprised), and just a general mourning of my future in general. And we haven’t even thought of splitting households yet. THAT will suck greatly. 13 years of mutual decisions and purchases is a LOT…
Anyhoo, the point is, that tho he has a new life (Happy One Year…. 
kids) and I have met a steady-type boyfriend… Today is just not a good day. It’ll take years for the meaning we have given July 4th to leave my life and become a harmless national holiday once again. Life moves faster than the heart.
I am sorry that I hurt you. I am sorry that I lied. I am sorry that I brook your heart. I am sorry that I made you cry. I am sorry for the pain that I caused. I am sorry for the dark and gray days. I am sorry that you are sad. I am sorry that your are mad and even angry. I am sorry that l have changed your life forever. I am sorry that things will never be the same again. I am sorry that I have made the mistakes that I have made. I to have pain and sadness,anger,and dark days where I cry. Life is not fair and is full of surprises, mistakes and and thing that change us forever. In many ways we are all victims because there are too sides to everything and always will be . A year ago I made a decision that would change my life forever. It would go on to change many lives and for that I am deeply sorry. There are days where I am so upset and confused as to what move or decision to make next that I cry till it hurts so bad that the pain from the crying gives me something else to think about. There are many days that I say to my self ” I just want my life back” and I know that that is not the answer. Or is it? Where do I go from here? How am i to feel? Did Stella really get her groove back and what does that mean? On the days that I feel so alone, I think at least we are still friends. Tho there are days were even that feels on the edge. I know you will always be there for me and for that I am grateful. You have at least seemed to have found a glimmer of happiness and I hope you have. I never meant to have an affair and break up the happy home but for me, I was not so happy and I am sorry. I am sorry if I did not make that more clear over time. I am sorry that I did not speak up more. . I thought I had. I am sorry that I deceived you for eight months before telling you.
August 25, 2010
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aw, love •
what's up?
So I don’t know if I mentioned this. I must have, but yanno. Brain fart as usual. LOL! So my Richard volunteers for Big Brothers Big Sisters and is upon his one year anniversary with his Little Brother. It is the most awesome thing he has ever done. They hang out once or twice a week and every time Richard gets home he has an energy about him. I can tell he spent the last few hours being twelve. Haha.
Anyway, his Little wanted to go for a swim today (it’s been hotter than a huckabuck here the past few days) so they are actually here at our community pool. We’ll all be grilling hotdogs for dinner on the back patio. I am actually excited to be included. Mostly they do things out about town. Not that there’s anything weird about his hanging out here, I have met his mom and went along on the Twilight movie night (which was a big time!). In fact his mother is well aware of who I am in Richard’s life and is cool with it. In fact she let Richard come out to her son, which I think is amazing! Where was I? Oh, so I was in charge of stopping at the store and getting hotdogs. I was sooo concerned. Like what to get, will he eat it, and all that. So I got traditional Ballpark Franks (ew) and a gourmet type jalapeno sausage for Richard and I. When they arrived here I was showing Richard what I got and his little, spying the jalapeno sausages, was all “I’ve had those before, they are really good!” I literally was like O.O. He’s twelve. I never imagined he’d have eaten, let alone liked such a thing. Lesson learned. In fact, he’s like a little adult in a lot of ways. The boy is an excellent conversationalist! He can keep you talking and actually STEER a conversation if it gets quiet or awkward, which I have witnessed on more than one occasion. It’s freaky at first cause he’s so young but you get used to it. He’s an amazing kid. It’s funny cause Richard was expecting a troubled youth when he signed up. A kid that might be emotionally damaged or worse. Instead he got an intelligent, well brought up, social yet lonely boy that in my opinion is a perfect match.
OMG. I should make sure that the patio furniture has no bird poop. Later.
July 04, 2008
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aw, love •
what's up?
OMG. It’s anniversary day! As is my tradition, seen here, I did nothing. I knew it was coming, just like last year. I still work *at* the mall so shopping or a card would be easy enough. I just can’t get it together… After reading last years post I am a bit jumpy, worried some box or something is gonna pop out of somewhere leaving me to feel like a total heel. I thought we agreed tho. We get another iPhone. That is the gift, so we each end u with killer phones! Yay!
We are spending the day at a friend’s house for a BBQ and hopefully fireworks. She lives on Coronado Island, so we should be able to see the show without too much effort! There is champagne chilling in the fridge for later tonight. And we have a week off. I think that is a pretty good start on Anniversary festivities!
Anyhoo. Happy Anniversary Richard! Thank you for keeping me company all these years…
June 29, 2008
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what's up?
I was just about to get in the shower when it occurred to me that there are only 4 more work days (5 total) till my 6 day vacation! I am so excited… I just had to sit and enjoy the feeling a bit. We aren’t planning to go anywhere, what with gas prices what they are. Probably some local San Diego tourist stuff. We like that kind of thing. Plus the big 4th of July will be happening, and along with that our 11th anniversary. We have big gifts planned… iPhones! I get a 3G and Richard is taking the original! I can’t even wait till the 11th! I don’t know what will be more fun. My new iPhone or watching Richard learn to use his. Heh.
Anyhoo. Now I just need to get thru the next 4 5 days.
July 05, 2007
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aw, love •
what's up?
Did I tell you that it was our 10 year anniversary? That’s right. Richard and I. Ten years. Together. You know what that is? Upkeep. Painting each others asses. Forever. Heheh. But really. Ten years ago on July 4th I went to Richard’s place for the day, and an evening of fireworks, a movie, and Chinese takeout. There were definitely fireworks! I never actually left after that. So that’s when we celebrate the anniversary. Aw!
But I feel tragic. I figured our super expensive vacation was our ‘gift’ to each other. I mean, it makes sense, right? The Ten Year Travel Excursion? But no. The morning of the fourth there was a card. A Hallmark, so I know he really cares… He filled it out beautifully too. I was touched! And embarrassed. I got no card for him. With all my assuming. Gah. Later that day there was a random box on the desk. I just figured it was the box to some clock he got from GQ for subscribing last month. I wondered why it was there all of a sudden, and moved it aside as I went about my internetting. He walked by and asked why I moved it, and told me to open it. It was a GIFT! He got GIFTS!! I reluctantly opened it. You see, I was all busy assuming. I bought him nothing. This was bad. Turned out it wasn’t a clock box, but a watch. A new watch for me! It’s beautiful!
But the guilt…
We spent the evening with our annual tradition. We had Chinese takeout and watched the movie we watched ten years ago, Death Becomes Her. Then there were fireworks.
June 13, 2007
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anger management
I am subpoena’d yet again. Someone hold me while I slit my wrists and spray blood over the district attorney. Bastard. I don’t even remember the fucking crime anymore. I blocked it out and drank a lot of booze to ensure that that part of my brain died. Leave me the fuck alone. Shit.
Goddamn. Take my advice people. NEVER call the police. I don’t care what happened to you. It is not worth a subpoena every time the piece of shit that did you wrong farts. It’s like never ending harassment. Here we are on my TENTH anniversary with my man and the day after I have to GO TO FUCKING COURT. AGAIN?? For the piece of shit criminal that NEVER shows up?? And if I don’t show up I get arrested?? Something is wrong with our system. Very wrong. I never asked for this. After all was said and done that night and I was still alive I just wanted to go home. I didn’t care of the fucks that did it lived or died.
But now I am tied to them forever.
July 03, 2006
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what's up?
I was supposed to go in to work early… Heh. Hard to be motivated at this point though. I actually slept well last night considering how crappy my week has been. It’s nice to feel rested.
Last night I found out that Richard was unable to get the 4th off for our anniversary. I am really bummed. Not that I had planned anything grand like he did last year. I can’t afford to do that when I’m on the edge of unemployment… But it would have been nice to spend the day together, have a nice meal and some bubbly. Now I will be home alone. Sigh. Well, at least I can get a new resume pulled together for non-retail. That will be the tough one. I also invited myself to Betty’s holiday festivities… So I should end up having a good day. Richard and I are off Saturday, so we’ll celebrate then.
In other news, we will be announcing the wieners of the Vox">Want Vox game! It should happen tonight around ten thirty California time, as that’s when I get home from work. Exciting, on the eve of the 4th! Apparently there are some new features or something coming to Vox after the holiday, so should be fun!
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